t w e n t y e v e r y t h i n g

Tap, tap... is this thing on?

So it's been awhile. Major understatement.

Being born and bred in New England, I find this utterly hilarious.

Friday Dots

(because I bring verbose to new levels of meaning, I have made reading easier for you. The main points are highlighted)

• Valentine's Day - So while I was already aware of this, it's now become a universally accepted fact: I seriously have an amazingly wonderful boyfriend. Aside from giving me a completely lovely card, Ben also managed to orchestrate the perfect Valentine's Day for me. It was just what the doctor ordered. Candles, music, shrimp, lobster, asparagus, champagne, port-soaked berries. He made me breakfast the next morning (though he always does that because he's just that great). Seriously - you should all be very, very jealous.
• After what has been a frustrating two month process, it appears that my job hunt might be getting a bit easier. I had an awesome interview last Monday. Not only is it .47 miles from home (and they let you telecommute!), but I really really clicked with the woman who interviewed me. It was the first place that I actually could see myself being happy at. Keep your fingers crossed. On other fronts, it appears that word is spreading that I am seeking new employment. Apparently all of the connections and relationships I've built over the past 2.5 years haven't been for naught. I had coffee with a woman last night who contacted me about a job and have an interview with a guy this afternoon who did the same thing.
• I met (and exceeded) my $1,800 fundraising goal for the Avon Breast Cancer Walk with nearly three months to spare. Go me. Or you, for that matter, seeing that some of you have coughed up the cash to make that possible. And while I no longer have to worry about selling all of my belongings on eBay to make up a fundraising deficit, I'd still really like to raise as much money as possible. So go here if you'd like to help me along. Even $5 or $10 would help greatly.
• Life can be greatly unfair sometimes. I found out this week that one of the kids from camp has had a relapse and had brain surgery to remove a new growth in his brain. He says that things are looking good, but I would really appreciate any and all happy thoughts you could send his way. He's a freshman in college now and had to take the semester off because of the radiation and what not. Keep on keeping on, Rob.
• Today is Friday.
• All of my friends who are teachers are not allowed to complain about their jobs to me anytime soon. I would commit many crimes in order to have an impromptu 4.5 weekdays off from work. Seriously. No sympathy here.

This may be too deep for a Friday...

mI've been sitting here for the past two hours or so debating about whether to just do a dots entry or to delve into something more serious. And because this blog started out a little over a year ago as a means of fleshing out my thoughts and putting my neuroses out on the internet for all the world to see, I have decided to go with the latter.

Caroline mentioned last week about being afraid of putting some things, deeply personal things, into her blog for fear that people will judge her. It's silly really because the reason we have blogs in the first place is to express ourselves. But then we become afraid of truly expressing ourselves - surpassing the mundane, the trivialities of our daily lives - and putting the real stuff out there. The insecurities, the fears, the things about ourselves that we try not to let others see. The stuff we're not proud of. Well, I've decided to just say screw it today, and I'm going to just put myself out there. You can judge me if you wish - I'm sure anything you think will be a thought I've already had.  My deepest darkest insecurities and weaknesses? Here they are.

My life right now is ... interesting. In many, many ways, it's significantly better than it has been in a very long time. For the first time, I have started to put a premium on my own happiness and most importantly, health (mental, emotion and physical). This is something that my mom has preached to me for so long, but the more she said it, the more it made me shut down and dismiss it. Back in late September, I reached an all-time high of self-loathing and unhappiness. I barely recognized myself anymore, both physically and professionally. I had no idea how I had gotten to this point. I wasn't even sure how to get out of it. It was all so daunting. When so many things are so out of control - where do you even begin?

Without going into great detail, a great deal of my issues stem from my childhood. I try not to use it as a scapegoat because hello, we all have issues from our childhood. And people overcome them all the time. I've always been very honest with myself as to what my weaknesses and faults are - I refuse to be that naive. One of my major issues is that I use coping mechanisms to get me through rough times. For the past few years, that has meant mostly food, alcohol and cigarettes. So freaking unhealthy, trust me, I realize this. And I knew this every time I reached for any one of those three things. I guess I just didn't care.

All of the literature you'll ever find about someone who has an addiction or a problem or a bad habit will say that they first have to make the decision to change. And this is so true. I knew for years that was I was doing was bad for me - and granted, it wasn't as if I was doing heroin or abusing anyone, or breaking the law. I just had a series of bad habits that were doing nothing but hurting me. But I never made the decision to change. So I didn't. Life went on as usual. I can't give you a reason why I didn't want to change. I just didn't. I truly believe that this is why people who've never been in the situation cannot understand why a drunk continues to drink or an addict gets high, even if it is destroying their life. Everyone has to reach their own turning point.

So mine came at the end of September, and I decided to start with tackling the easiest part for me: a diet. There are millions of Americans who struggle with their weight their whole lives and who would probably be angry at me for calling this the easiest part. But for me, it's true. The diet is the easiest part.

I can be an extremely stubborn person. I would prefer to call it determination or resolve but at it's very core, it's stubbornness. I will accept that. It has served me well in many aspects of my life. It's led to a great deal of success. It's also hindered me by not allowing me to take a break and truly look out for my own self interest. It's pretty much the reason why I found myself where I did in September. But it's also been what has allowed me to make such significant changes in my life over the past few months.

When I set my mind to something, I do it. End of story. When I'm dieting, I'm not prone to cheat. I follow the regime that I am supposed to, and it works for me. And it has worked. In taking back one part of my life with the diet, control over the other things seemed to come along with it. A little over a month ago, I was able to just stop smoking. As simple as that. I just ... stopped. Haven't had a cigarette since and don't wish to either. In addition, at the most, I now have about two drinks a week, if that. I know, you probably can't believe it. I really can't either. The girl who used to chug entire pitchers of beer now settles for a mere pint at the bar?

So this brings us to now. In giving up all of these coping mechanisms, I've really had to listen to my emotions and address the feelings that once caused me to light up or crack the top on a bud light. I always knew what they were or that they were there - I just often would sweep them under the rug or choose to look the other way. Looking your pain in the face isn't easy - acknowledging something that embarasses or shames you is awfully difficult. But while it isn't fun or easy, it sure does feel a lot better than pretending it never existed in the first place.

So many people treat only the symptoms of their problems and never bother to look deeply enough into what causes them in the first place. It's the reason why some people gain back the weight after having gastric bypass surgery. The surgery may have caused the weight to fall off but it didn't do anything about the feelings or emotions that caused them to reach for that burger or snack every time they felt badly. Aside from the diet, I haven't tried to restrict myself. I never outlawed myself from drinking (aside from the first two weeks of South Beach). However, as I started to address my feelings, the compulsion to pick up the glass just sort of faded away. It's really what proves to me that you just can't force something if you're not ready for it. If I tried to stop myself from drinking, if I tried to change all of this before I was accepting of it, I would have failed.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, in looking back and reading old entries in this blog, my unhappiness was so apparent it slapped me in the face. It shocked me that I was so obviously miserable but kept on trying to laugh it off with a smarmy comment or deflect my feelings with sarcasm. It's almost embarassing how feeble my attempts were.

But now, as I have mentioned life is better. I am better. I am happy. My life isn't perfect but it's moving in the direction where I want it to. I have job interviews lined up, and it sure does look like the right job is going to come along. And what makes me most proud about that is that I have managed not to settle. I am not letting my fear and uncertainty about the future force me into a situation that is not in my best interest just in order to gain a bit of security. I am doing what is right for me - long term. It actually is quite empowering.

Last night I managed to come to another turning point. It was a painful one but so, so important. Poor Ben was brought into this one and got to see some of my other insecurities firsthand. I am for the first time in a healthy and positive relationship, and I need to just put my brain on pause and stop thinking so much. One of my remaining unhealthy habits is look too much to the future and anticipate what it will bring. Not knowing such things worries me. I worry about getting hurt because it always seems to happen. About things not working out the way I wish them to. About the uncertainty. Basically, I worry too much.

And so, here is to continuing the good things I've started in the past few months. To living in the moment and embracing the unknown. To trusting. To pushing myself out of my comfort zone. To appreciating the wonderful man with whom I am fortunate enough to spend my time. To actually believing all of the nice things he says to me and to believing that I am deserving of the good things for which I wish.

Dots

I am going to follow the Pickle and stick to dots this morning.

• I didn't go to work yesterday. Instead, I sorta slept in, had an interview and cleaned like a crazy person. My room is now beautifully, amazingly clean. I had been really good about keeping it nice and orderly since moving into the Dreamcastle but for the past month or so, things just kind of exploded in there. I removed three huge black garbage bags of stuff and another of clothes to donate. Not only can I now see my floor, but I actually know where to find stuff. It's delightful.
• I really, really enjoy yoga. I was feeling all sorts of bajiggity on Sunday morning before we headed to our weekly class (background - Ben got me a 13 week session of yoga classes for my birthday and we go together each week.) Our instructor decided that we would spend the hour and a half doing restorative poses (read - relaxation and stretching). As I walked out of the class, I have never felt so at ease and relaxed. It seemed to be the perfect cure for both of us as we each had a lot on our mind. When I am rich and famous, the first thing I will spend my money on will be a yoga teacher to make me relax for an hour each day.
• It's damn cold outside.
• I finally gave in and bought an iPod nano and Nike+ kit. While I have seen plenty of nanos, I didn't fully realize how small they were until I was holding mine. Prediction - I am going to snap this thing like a twig. Seriously.
• But hopefully before I do that, I am planning on going running tonight. Yes, you heard me correctly, running. This is the first week of the Avon Breast Cancer Walk training and well, the thought that I am going to have to walk 40 miles in two days in three short months is terrifying me. So this is why I bought the nano/Nike+ thing. I am so excited to use my new gadget that I am going to go outside in almost sub-zero temperatures and attempt to run so that I may track my feeble progress online. I will embrace anything that will provide me with the motivation to get my butt in gear. My goal tonight is to run two miles. I may die. Tune in tomorrow to find out.
• I still need to raise about $325 to make my minimum fundraising requirement for the walk. If you're feeling generous or that tax refund is burning a hole in your pocket - feel free to check out my fundraising site .  Even $5 would make a big difference.
• Have I mentioned I need a new job? Would you like to give me yours? Or perhaps that of the co-worker that you really don't like? I'm starting to become a bit desperate.
• I am totally addicted to books on CD. I just finished a really great one on my way to work this morning and the thought of braving the commute home without one tonight is making me a bit panicky.
• Don't leave your make-up in the car in sub-zero temperatures.
• I really hate my own insecurity. HATE it.

Glimpse of February 2007

Glimpse of February 2007

wearing: Sweaters. Gotta love winter.
listening to: "Hello" by Schuyler Fisk, who, if you didn't know, starred in The Babysitter's Club movie! How random is that? Also, Here it goes again by OK Go, Suddenly I See by KT Tunstall and Last Request by Paolo Nutini.
reading: Assasination Vacation by Sarah Vowell. It's both hilarious and interesting. She's a contributor to NPR's This American Life.
watching: Grey's, the Office, House, 24, Desperate, Brothers & Sisters and the list goes on...
craving: Fried food. It's been so long. 
wondering: What my life will be like in two months.
wishing: Someone would just give me a job ALREADY.
lusting after: The Nike+ pedometer thingy. Seriously, it's amazing.
loving: My books on CD. They make my life about a zillion times better.
hating: My job. Like that's a new one.
missing: Snow.  
boycrushing: Ben. :) 
impatiently awaiting: Finding a new job.
dreading: Doing grad school apps. I better get on that...

Drop-off

About once a day, the thought that I really should sit down and write an entry comes to mind. I start to contemplate what I would say but by the time I actually have the screen before me, the motivation has passed. It's not that I don't have enough to say - it's quite the opposite really. There are so many things going through my mind that I don't even know where to start. It's just been so long.

Just over a year ago, I started this blog as a means of release. A place to store my thoughts, to bitch, moan, write about my life as if anyone was really out there reading. It was cathartic. Writing has always been a good means of therapy for me - it helps me to free myself from the weight of my thoughts - I get to sort out how I truly feel about something and the reason behind my feelings.

I totally know the reason why my blogging slowed and eventually faded out - I gained a real life person to share all of these crazy thoughts and ramblings with. And while I feel so fortunate, I do feel a bit sad that I stopped taking the effort to put it all down in words. Yesterday during a particularly boring stretch of the day, I read the archives back to May. It was a really enlightening and eye-opening experience for me. It's only been six months but I really feel like I have changed a lot. Perhaps not me as much as my philosphy and priorities. I'm not sure I really like the me that I portrayed during that time. Too much drinking. Too much bitterness. While I knew that I wasn't happy at that point, I don't think I truly grasped how utterly miserable I was until yesterday.

Yesterday I got really wrapped up in how unhappy I am professionally. I was sad, frustrated, angry and quite happy to wallow in these feelings. Today is a better day. While I still don't have a new job, I am able to make the most of the one I do have until something better comes along. There are things I can do to make it better - even just for a little while - to save my sanity. And today I started doing them. That's really all I can do.

Back in the summer my means of dealing with stress and unhappiness were far from healthy.  I've managed to stop turning to drinking, cigarettes and food in an attempt to make myself feel better. My drinks are few and relatively far between now. I haven't had a cigarette in two weeks. And I've lost about 40 pounds thus far in my diet.

On Saturday I took the GMATs. I scored well enough that getting into the Hopkins program shouldn't be a problem. I have two great letters of recommendation to top it off, and my application is completed. I just have to drop it in the mail.  And I have about six months to come to terms with going back to school...

In a mere four minutes I will be heading off to pick up Ben. He's making crab cakes, cod and salad for dinner. While the fish is marinating, we're going to the gym. After we eat, we'll probably curl up and watch Top Chef. Tomorrow morning he will make me breakfast as he always does. Life really isn't so bad after all.

Sadness

Yesterday started off as most Mondays - on a high from a great weekend, though tired and a bit remiss about having to head back to work. Unlike most Mondays, at about 10:30 a.m. we were all called together and told that our editor hadn't been heard from since Friday night. His newspapers lay uncollected on his doorstep and his voicemail box was full. He wasn't at any of the area hospitals and a few of our co-workers were on their way to his apartment with the police.  In the back of our minds, we all hoped that he had decided to jump on a plane and run off to some fantastically exotic locale for an impromptu vacation (it wouldn't have been unheard of for him to do that sort of thing). For some reason, I had a sinking feeling that they would find him in his apartment and it would just be too late. And it turned out that it was.

Man Boss brought us together again - full of emotion - fear, surprise, shock, uncertainty and broke the news. The only sound was a collective gasp and spontaneous tears. It really was one of the more horrible moments of my life. He was only 38.

Our chairman jumped on a plane and headed up from Charlotte, Dominos was ordered in for lunch, tissues were handed out. We grieved. We stared at our computer screens - unsure of what to do. What are you supposed to do when one of the leaders of your organization dies quite suddenly and with no explanation? What do you do when there is a paper that has to go to press on Thursday but the tasks necessary to produce it seem so trivial considering that one of your colleagues has just died?

There is no right answer. There is no proper course of action. The irony is that one of our reporters wrote a column awhile back about employee death and how to cope with it as an organization. Little did we know that we would have to put her writing to the test.

It's 24 hours later. We're all back at work for another day. Our clients, sources, fellow businesspeople and colleagues from other markets are slowly hearing the news. We must field their calls, explain what we know, share in their shock and sadness - over and over and over again. It's going to be a rough time here for quite awhile.

No matter how good my intentions are, I can't seem to post more than once a week, goddamnit

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy (early) New Year and Happy Quarter Life Crisis to me (more to come on that in a bit)!

My Christmas weekend began on Thursday last
When I spent eight hours sitting on my ass
Driving until I reached the ol' Nutmeg State
The hour of my arrival was rather late.

Once I got home, I climbed into bed
A hello and goodnight was all that was said
I awoke on Friday to the damn dog's bark
Living at home is no walk in the park.

Ridden with illness, my throat swelled shut
To the doctor's office I dragged my sick butt
He gave me drugs and nasal spray
And before I knew it, I was sent on my way.

My mom's dog Daisy had also taken sick
We thought it was from a bite from a tick
Growing up in a town called East Lyme
the disease bearing it's name strikes all the time.

Daisy was dehydrated and needed an IV
Three hundred dollars and she was as fine as can be
Off to lunch we went with all the ladies in my fam
My aunts, some cousins and of course, my gram.

After lunch we went to the beauty salon
and before I knew it, more than five inches were gone
My hair was chopped and blowed out in style
Pleased with my hair, I walked out with a smile.

Mom and I then went to the Ward's for cheese and wine
We had not seen each other for a very long time
High school friends and their moms were all there
With enough old memories and laughter to spare.

Later on the girls and I headed to the bar
where people had come from near and far
Random ass kids from our high school years
Shooting the shit over plenty of beers.

All in all Saturday was pretty damn boring
In the recliner, my dad lay snoring
I cooked my parents both dinner and lunch
both of which they seemed to enjoy a bunch.

On Sunday I brunched with Lissa, Matt and Jon
at a pretty country club with an emerald green lawn
Omelettes, salmon and delicious salad were had
And my large gin and tonic wasn't half bad.

For dinner it was chicken and broccoli and mooshi pork
I swear the people at the Chinese place are always at work
Afterwards we sat down to watch Little Miss Sunshine
Which is, by far, a favorite movie of mine.

On Christmas morning I awoke rather late
I think it was a quarter past eight
The gifts were open and dinner was prepped
All the while much good company was kept.

After dinner I packed up all of my loot
My mom resisted but it was a point rather moot.
With work on Tuesday in distant DC
Surely it was time to hit the road for me.

On the way back I listened to a book on CD
and talked to Ben who I couldn't wait to see
I pulled in to the empty house a hair before 1
And thanked the Lord the horrible drive was done.

The Rhyming Weekend Recap

Friday twas the annual holiday soiree
with all of the folks from the WBJ.
With booze and food and drunken colleagues
I left with many stories with which I can tease.

Each year we have our own Yankee swap
The company sure does go over the top
Buying all of the presents for each one of us
There's always many things after which I lust.

Two years ago I walked away with a TV
in 2005 it was a Kate Spade for me
This year I got something to print photographs
The whole process was full of quite a few laughs.

On Saturday we walked to Kensington and home
And believe it or not, I didn't bitch nor moan
Nearly five whole miles on a beautiful day
A great experience, I really must say.

Then it was back to the dreamcastle to rest
Somehow I managed to ignore the mess
Clothing and shoes and everything I own
All over my floor - they were completely strewn.

We failed our attempt to visit the Garden of Lights
at beautiful Brookside Gardens on Saturday night
So off we went to dine on tasty Chinese
where we had some delish Szechuan green beans.

Sunday morning started off kinda slow
but ended up perfectly if you really must know
Later on I met Caro for a movie and lunch
both of which I enjoyed a whole bunch.

Sunday night was Dexter's season finale
To stay awake till 10 took quite a rally
In the end it was totally worth it
This show is going to be the next big hit.

The end.

I've done the things that are highlighted below. I guess 60 isn't too bad..

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with wild dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said "I love you" and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was wasted
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country (does South Carolina count? if yes, then I have!)
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than six hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River - or was it the Colorado River?
82. Been on television news programs as an expert
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Eaten fugu (pufferfish)
89. Had a one-night stand
90. Gone to Thailand
91. Bought a house
92. Been in a combat zone
93. Buried one/both of your parents
94. Been on a cruise ship
95. Spoken more than one language fluently
96. Performed in Rocky Horror Picture Show
97. Raised children
98. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication - does my blog count?
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school (working on it...)
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one important author who you missed in school, and read something they wrote
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office (does high school student council count?)
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life