So, first off, here is a gift for you: the Kitchen of Love .
Ok, so there's a lot that I could say or explain or whatever, but I'm just not in the mood. Instead, we're going to pretend that everything is happy and cheery, and I'm going to tell you about my day yesterday.
Yesterday I spent the day at a little shindig called "Circulation Day." It ended up being just as thrilling as it sounds. Because woman boss is too busy sunning herself in Tahoe, I got to spend the day "interacting" with some interesting characters from newspapers in the Greater Washington region. My interactions were mainly limited to me sitting at my assigned seat, staring in disbelief at the people around me, all the while writing weird little descriptions of them on a piece of paper and conjuring up stories about their personal lives to amuse myself. Then, I would email the stories via my blackberry to my replacement who was stranded by herself at the WhizBang. She would, in turn, add onto the story and it went on like this for awhile.
The following is an actual transcript of the emails that were exchanged:
Me: To my right is a "woman" with striped short hair. Obviously, it is a home highlight kit gone awry. She's currently daydreaming of her pierced girlfriend named Tammy or perhaps her name is Toni. She seems to enjoy outdoor adventure apparel and the men's department at Hechts.
Kristen: Oh how right you are...in fact, you've uncovered the deep and not-so-dark truth...She is in fact in a relationship with both Tammy and Toni. One lives with her, the other is her girlfriend...an interesting twist to the polygamist culture. She can often be found carrying a hiking backpack, even when not engaging in any hiking activity. It's one of her many quarks, but the reason that both Tammy and Toni love her.
Me, approximately three hours later: Breaking news...Butch lesbian is actually effeminate man with hoop earrings in both ears! Attendees shocked at case of mistaken identity.
Me again: Next to her is a 30-something man with a mullet and bangs. His Def Leopard t-shirt hides beneath his collared shirt. All the while, his wife is at home teasing her badly permed hair, feathered bangs and two inch black roots. She's a firm believer in the supremacy of spandex, lycra and control top pantyhose (for church on Sundays).
Kristen: Oh definitely. But also, she wears the aforementioned control top pantyhose under her favorite leather pants. In fact, she wears them with pretty much everything. She uses Aquanet to secure the feathering effect of the hair and much to her relief and delight, you'd never know she was just wearing her motorcycle helmet. Additionally, though permed and feathered, her hair maintains the resemblance of a mullet as well...a Fem-mullet if you will. That's actually how she and hubby met. It was at the local convention center on a reservation in Utah. There was a famous mullet stylist in town giving his world renowned lecture and interactive stage show - "Manipulate Your
Mullet: 10 easy steps to making a good thing even better." Interesting, but little known fact: when her mullet sporting hubby is off on business (i.e. today), she finds comfort in the soothing but overproduced vocal stylings of Britney Spears and Hilary Duff. But she'll never admit it to anyone...
Me: Behind mullet man and shim, there's a 50-something gentleman with a small creature on his head masquerading as a bad toupee. While he sits here learning about point of purchase marketing and rack cards, his wife has a Misty 100 hanging from her mouth while painting her nails fire engine red. As far as makeup is concerned, she believes that more is more when it comes to blue eyeshadow and remnants of her favorite shade of red lipstick are usually found on her snaggle tooth. She also enjoys discounted 10k gold jewelry from Walmart.
Kristen: She also hangs out with mullet-man's wife. Best friends since the age of 4, they owned matching sweater dresses that they refuse to throw away. They will remind you, however, that their particular sweater dresses never actually went out of style, as they were wise enough to buy the more neutral colors and modest length versions. The blue eyeshadow remains a staple but they love to go wild on a Saturday and wear some greens and yellows, really change it up. The toupee her husband wears was his birthday gift this year. It's been a tradition since they met that she buys him a new one each year. Made from the finest American fabrics, she will often pick one up in the same shopping trip where she splurges on the 10k Walmart jewelry. The Walmart is located next to the Valley Mall, a popular hang out for her and her best friend while the husbands are away at work. Perhaps we should swing by and say hello to them...
Me: Lastly, there is the lady in the front of the room though I only call her a lady because of the polka-dotted dress and pearls. While she looks straight off the cover of Good Housekeeping, there is nothing pure or innocent about this woman. Ever since her dad told her that she couldn't go to the drive-in with Johnny in high school because "good" girls don't do that, she's always had this desire to be bad. Real bad. So bad in fact that pearly here spends most nights picking up men at the All Bare & Grill.
And this? This is why Kristen and I will be good friends. This and the fun that took place when we spent a good four hours at McCormick and Schmick's on Wednesday with "clients" and co-workers where about seven of us racked up a $600 tab. That didn't exactly hurt our budding friendship.
In other news, I will no longer be homeless in a few months.