t w e n t y e v e r y t h i n g

In Heaven, at least for a few days...

I get to spend my long weekend in a place where the temperature will top out in the mid-80's and the humidity will be a pleasant 51 percent. The nights will cool to the high 50's, permitting me to snuggle up in sweats with a wool blanket. This - ladies and gents - is my idea of perfect weather.

It's why I can't imagine myself living in Greater Washington for more than 2 more years. 97 degree heat with 97 percent humidity is my idea of hell on earth. And unfortunately, it's not at all uncommon here in DC.

This weekend will consist of waking up around 10 a.m., perhaps eating some Portuguese sweet muffins or cereal for breakfast on the back porch, watching the morning dew rise from the lake. As the air starts to warm, we'll head up to change into our still slightly damp bathing suits, grab our books and towels and head down to the small beach in our cove. The next few hours will consist of sunning ourselves on rafts, floating aimlessly, reading books and listening to the occasional boat drive by. We'll break for lunch which will likely be sandwiches, or BLTs or perhaps homemade sausage on the grill. The afternoon will find us back out on the water, lulled to sleep by our full stomachs and movement of the small waves. As the air grows cool again and the sun begins its descent, we'll float back to shore. After climbing back into our sweats, we'll start chopping and setting the table for dinner while the moms cook it. Native corn, lobster perhaps, fresh tomatoes - followed by a few rousing games of Scrabble or hours spent compulsively on a puzzle.

It's my favorite place on the planet. I'll share some pictures on Wednesday when I get back.

I am in a bad mood. I am tired. I am sick of fighting traffic, floods, closed roads and idiots on my way to and from work. I really just need a nice, normal summer commute for once - one where I breeze along my normal route and make it to work in less than 45 minutes. That would be really nice.

Instead, I have been a vehicular strategist this week. When I hit traffic, I switch directions. Instead of my straight shot to work, I end up weaving through Greater Washington. It's part of my quest to go above 15 miles per hour during some point in the drive. It's driving me nutty. The pun there was not intended. But I shall leave it.

However, the rain has gone away for at least today. For all of you heralding the sunny skies, I dare ya to check out the weekend forecast at weatherchannel.com. Not so jovial anymore are you?

In other news, Blockbuster Online's personalized and tailored suggestions for me include:
-Stuck on You
-Scooby Doo2
-How to Deal
-Free Willy

I'm more than scared as to how these selections reflect on my person.

something to brighten the rainy afternoon

go to http://spamusement.com/

When it rains, I pour

That red line? Was my commute to work this morning. Or at least a vague approximation of it. When I walked in the door at quarter to nine this morning, I had been on the road for three hours. That red line is what happens when I drop off a friend at the airport before work. Shudder.

Due to what I have affectionately come to call "the Apocalypse," the impossible has happened. My already-torturous-and-suicide-inducing commute has become worse. Having had 12 INCHES of rain in less than two days, this lovely city/region seems to have tucked into the fetal position and reverted back to it's marsh origins. It's insane really. The National Archives, IRS and Department of Defense are all closed due to flooding. Constitution Ave is under feet of water. And yet, it continues to rain. And, of course, flood.

Last night, as the rain continued to pound and flood our national capital, rendering all roads and interstates virtually impassable, bringing traffic to a standstill throughout the region - I decided to laugh in the face of the storm - and go for drinks with Woman Boss. It was lovely, we watched the passersby run frantically with purses, coats, plastic bags and the occasional umbrella as futile shields against the rain, as we sat, eating dinner and drinking beer. Ha, losers, I thought to myself. And I continued to revel in what I thought at the time to be my good judgment as I drove up the GW Parkway at 8:15 at night. There was no traffic, I was brilliant. That is, until the sky opened up and emptied it's bladder down onto my innocent car, and my arrogance was replaced by fear. I was going to die. The Parkway was dark, flooded and there was no where to go. No shoulder to pull off onto to wait out the rain burst, no street lamps to help guide my way. I was hydroplaning and practically hyperventilating.

Needless to say, I rode out the storm and eventually made it home safely. And I poured myself another drink to settle my nerves.

Rain is good when you have a lawn that will be nice and green or crops that need hydration. And some times it offers a welcome break from the humidity. But this latest storm has taken it all a bit too far. No one needs 12 inches of rain in two days. No one.

This is possibly the most disgusting thing I have ever heard.

Orange fingers and press releases: A day in my life

I sit here at my desk right now with fingers stained orange from cheeseball dust, buried under business cards and media contacts, rocking out to Ashley Parker Angel and Nick Lachey. I'm nothing but the embodiment of professionalism, I swear.

We're breaking a big story tomorrow morning about a DC-based sports team. I can't tell you who or what, but it's significant. The story has actually been sitting on my desk all day, and I have been tasked with developing a media relations and marketing plan for it. It's the first time since I got promoted that I get to do real life PR and promotional stuff for the paper. Man Boss really liked what I came up with - we will see whether any of it worked tomorrow.

I passed up on going to a swanky black tie event this evening in favor of downing at least one bottle of wine and being lazy on my couch. I am pleased with my decision as I think it would be a rather large faux pas to show up to a $300 a ticket event with the remnants of cheeseball dust on one's fingers. Am I wrong?

I haven't had wine in what feels like forever. In reality, it's probably been about two weeks or so. I can't wait to pop the bottle and settle down with a glass of my favorite pinot noir and a good book. Though, I am going to have to stop on the way home to purchase said good book because I have literally read about ten books within the past month and I have none left.

In other news, I pretty much have convinced myself that I have melanoma. I'm going to a dermatologist in the near future (hopefully) and we'll see. I hope it's only hypochondria and not the real thing.

In yet other news, I purchased a new Coach bag the other weekend at the outlet in a fit of retail therapy. At first I wasn't sure whether I wanted to keep it but have decided to make it my own. It's cute. Looks like this but in green. It's technically a multi-purpose tote but does come with a diaper pad. In searching for a picture to show all of you, I've determined that virtually of the Coach bags listed on eBay come from the outlets. And they are significantly cheaper there. Just a tip for those new to the Coach.

Who Needs Sleep?

I do. Desperately. So badly in fact that I have resorted to popping Tylenol PM like candy in hopes that it will induce a coma-like state. The result: nada. Nothing. Not even a yawn. Instead, I get to enjoy a few hours of restless tossing and turning followed by a mere two or three hours of sleep where I am tormented by anxiety dreams. Dreams that essentially involve me being back in college and realizing that it's the end of the semester, and I haven't been to one of my classes all semester. What am I going to do? I haven't done any homework! I don't know when the final is! Or where the class is! Ahhh! Gah! Someone help me please! A few weeks ago the dream involved a science class, last time it was basketball class and last night it was an English class.

I'm just not sure how much longer I can endure this. I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I'm starting to lose my mind and forget things that I normally would never overlook. I dread climbing into bed because I know that I won't be able to fall asleep. And, so help me God, if I have to watch another 4 a.m. episode of Walker, Texas Ranger or Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I might just die.

Insomnia isn't cool.

Green alligators and long-neck geese

Ah, the weekend: the reason I go to work each morning and what I dream of while I sleep.

This weekend wasn't any different than most in that it was centered on drinking and sitting in the sun. Friday night I went to an ESPN party. As fun as it was, I think I would have had just as much fun laying in bed reading with a glass of wine. I made up for this by sitting by the pool for a few hours on Saturday afternoon, reading a book followed by watching a few episodes of the Hills and Run's House. I eventually dragged myself to the shower and got ready to go out. Happily, our plans changed and instead of trekking to Georgetown, we hit up Murphy's in Alexandria.

Murphy's is my new favorite place. Sing-a-longs, beer (or cider jack) and general merriment? Sign me up. Seriously. On the way home, I managed to save our lives by yelling, "median!" when Tim was driving straight for one. Another highlight was when I got a trucker to blow his horn while we were sitting in traffic. It may seem rather juvenile now but let me tell you, after about eight ciders, a vodka tonic, two shots and a car bomb, it's pretty damn amusing.

Today I was an idiot and managed to cover my hands and arms (and half of my cardigan) with sticky black goop from Kristen's car. Apparently, in the years since she has had the car, I'm the first person to get completely covered in it. Am I surprised? Absolutely not. Thankfully, after basically taking a sponge bath in Cosi's bathroom, the gunk mostly came off. But we'll see what spray n'wash can do about the stain on my clothes...

In other news, another new person started at the WhizBang today. She graduated from college last month so she is lowering the average age of our department! I'm so happy. When Terry leaves (crazy old lady number two) at the end of the month, our average age will be about 31 (and that's only because crazy old lady number one is still here). It's so nice to have co-workers around my age - such a far cry from how this place has been since I started.

Oh yeah, I bought this last night. http://www.overstock.com/cgi-bin/d2.cgi?PAGE=PROFRAME&PROD_ID=1676854 . Be jealous, be very jealous!

Lastly, according to my spam, June is National Potty Training Awareness Month. Just thought you all would like to know.

The Kitchen of Luuuuvvvv

So, first off, here is a gift for you: the Kitchen of Love .

Ok, so there's a lot that I could say or explain or whatever, but I'm just not in the mood. Instead, we're going to pretend that everything is happy and cheery, and I'm going to tell you about my day yesterday.

Yesterday I spent the day at a little shindig called "Circulation Day." It ended up being just as thrilling as it sounds. Because woman boss is too busy sunning herself in Tahoe, I got to spend the day "interacting" with some interesting characters from newspapers in the Greater Washington region. My interactions were mainly limited to me sitting at my assigned seat, staring in disbelief at the people around me, all the while writing weird little descriptions of them on a piece of paper and conjuring up stories about their personal lives to amuse myself. Then, I would email the stories via my blackberry to my replacement who was stranded by herself at the WhizBang. She would, in turn, add onto the story and it went on like this for awhile.

The following is an actual transcript of the emails that were exchanged:

Me: To my right is a "woman" with striped short hair. Obviously, it is a home highlight kit gone awry. She's currently daydreaming of her pierced girlfriend named Tammy or perhaps her name is Toni. She seems to enjoy outdoor adventure apparel and the men's department at Hechts.

Kristen: Oh how right you are...in fact, you've uncovered the deep and not-so-dark truth...She is in fact in a relationship with both Tammy and Toni. One lives with her, the other is her girlfriend...an interesting twist to the polygamist culture. She can often be found carrying a hiking backpack, even when not engaging in any hiking activity. It's one of her many quarks, but the reason that both Tammy and Toni love her.

Me, approximately three hours later: Breaking news...Butch lesbian is actually effeminate man with hoop earrings in both ears! Attendees shocked at case of mistaken identity.

Me again: Next to her is a 30-something man with a mullet and bangs. His Def Leopard t-shirt hides beneath his collared shirt. All the while, his wife is at home teasing her badly permed hair, feathered bangs and two inch black roots. She's a firm believer in the supremacy of spandex, lycra and control top pantyhose (for church on Sundays).

Kristen: Oh definitely. But also, she wears the aforementioned control top pantyhose under her favorite leather pants. In fact, she wears them with pretty much everything. She uses Aquanet to secure the feathering effect of the hair and much to her relief and delight, you'd never know she was just wearing her motorcycle helmet. Additionally, though permed and feathered, her hair maintains the resemblance of a mullet as well...a Fem-mullet if you will. That's actually how she and hubby met. It was at the local convention center on a reservation in Utah. There was a famous mullet stylist in town giving his world renowned lecture and interactive stage show - "Manipulate Your
Mullet: 10 easy steps to making a good thing even better." Interesting, but little known fact: when her mullet sporting hubby is off on business (i.e. today), she finds comfort in the soothing but overproduced vocal stylings of Britney Spears and Hilary Duff. But she'll never admit it to anyone...

Me: Behind mullet man and shim, there's a 50-something gentleman with a small creature on his head masquerading as a bad toupee. While he sits here learning about point of purchase marketing and rack cards, his wife has a Misty 100 hanging from her mouth while painting her nails fire engine red. As far as makeup is concerned, she believes that more is more when it comes to blue eyeshadow and remnants of her favorite shade of red lipstick are usually found on her snaggle tooth. She also enjoys discounted 10k gold jewelry from Walmart.

Kristen: She also hangs out with mullet-man's wife. Best friends since the age of 4, they owned matching sweater dresses that they refuse to throw away. They will remind you, however, that their particular sweater dresses never actually went out of style, as they were wise enough to buy the more neutral colors and modest length versions. The blue eyeshadow remains a staple but they love to go wild on a Saturday and wear some greens and yellows, really change it up. The toupee her husband wears was his birthday gift this year. It's been a tradition since they met that she buys him a new one each year. Made from the finest American fabrics, she will often pick one up in the same shopping trip where she splurges on the 10k Walmart jewelry. The Walmart is located next to the Valley Mall, a popular hang out for her and her best friend while the husbands are away at work. Perhaps we should swing by and say hello to them...

Me: Lastly, there is the lady in the front of the room though I only call her a lady because of the polka-dotted dress and pearls. While she looks straight off the cover of Good Housekeeping, there is nothing pure or innocent about this woman. Ever since her dad told her that she couldn't go to the drive-in with Johnny in high school because "good" girls don't do that, she's always had this desire to be bad. Real bad. So bad in fact that pearly here spends most nights picking up men at the All Bare & Grill.

And this? This is why Kristen and I will be good friends. This and the fun that took place when we spent a good four hours at McCormick and Schmick's on Wednesday with "clients" and co-workers where about seven of us racked up a $600 tab. That didn't exactly hurt our budding friendship.

In other news, I will no longer be homeless in a few months.

Debbie Downer

I'm in a funk. It's more than just a bad mood - it's a harsh realization that I have come to about my family - about human nature - the ability of a person to change - truly change - it's about trust and hope. And about how it doesn't matter how much you want something for someone - if they don't want it for themselves, you are just powerless. All the will and hope and optimism in the world can't make something true if it's not.  And don't forget the shattered perceptions - the confusion of what's real and not. And lastly, there is the final and utter acceptance of the fact that something, someone who means  so very much to me, is gone and may never come back.  I don't mean physically gone, he's very much where he used to be. But it's just not him anymore. And it may never be "him" again. And there is just nothing I can do.

And while I have accepted this, it doesn't make any easier. Because I worry. And I wish and I hope. And I use that awful awful word "maybe." The word that allows me to go against what I learned in my childhood and the years following - that I shouldn't get my hopes up or have expectations of people. Because if you manage to do this, you don't get disappointed. Sometimes you may get surprised (in a good way), but you won't get hurt nearly as much. Or so I have learned.

As I told my mom the other night, life sure would be a lot simpler if I only had my own problems to worry and agonize over. If my happiness and stress level were a function of things and situations that I could control, or at least influence. But, that's not the case - and as it has become clear lately - that will never be the case.

On top of that, there is the fact that I hurt a friend today. Or at least angered and pissed her off. Probably throw some disappointment into the mix as well. I didn't do anything malicious - I was not trying to hurt her, but I knew that she wouldn't like what I had to say. This is quite possibly the first time in my life that I made a decision that I knew was the right one for me even though I knew it would make someone else sad. It was horribly difficult and I agonized. But I knew that it just wouldn't be right to live in an apartment with one of my good friends. I knew that I would be so much happier in a real house - with a yard - and more than one person around all the time. In the end, I think it will be better for our friendship. If she's still willing to be friends with me.

Basically, I'm a mess. Sigh.