t w e n t y e v e r y t h i n g

Bad Morning

I live about a third of a mile from where this happened Hit and Run Drive Kills Woman in Montgomery County

Poo on the Parkway: Or Five Guys Gone Awry

This is a gross but hilarious story. I wouldn't recommend reading if you're faint of heart. However, if you can stomach it, it's pretty funny.

This is one of those stories where the incident in question didn't happen to me but rather my female "friend." This friend does exist and has a name. However, in order to preserve what little self-respect and dignity she has left, I have agreed to keep her identity confidential.

With that, this friend and I carpool to work on occasion. A few weeks back, we had to drive separately because of schedule conflicts. When next we met, she disclosed that she had suffered a traumatic experience on her drive home that day. After work, the friend met one of her friends for dinner at Five Guys. For those of you unfamilar with this DC-based chain, they make the most incredible cheeseburgers and fries. All of the ingredients are fresh and the fries are cooked in a LOT of peanut oil. Basically, it's the best burgers and fry fare you will ever eat. However, it comes at a cost. And this where the story truly begins.

The friend finished up her dinner, bid adieu to her dinner mate and hit the road. Once on the GW Parkway, her tummy started to rumble. I'm sure you know the feeling. Fear and inevitable embarassment overtook her as she realized that there was no way that she would make it home in time. Her mind next went to the possibility of getting off at the next exit. However, seeing that she had just gotten on the GW Parkway, she realized she was shit out of luck (pun very much intended) as the exits are few and far between. As the grumbling got louder, so did her inability to push the gas pedal without fear of having an accident that even the best car insurance wouldn't cover. In her own words, "I had to go so badly that I couldn't hold the gas down without moving my whole body upwards. I swerved down the parkway, desperately hoping for an exit, when suddenly, like a oasis in the desert, I saw a sign for Turkey Run park and their bathroom facilities. However, as I pulled off the exit, I realized that there simply was not enough time to make it into the bathroom. I pulled onto the grass, grabbed some tissues, ripped off my underwear and shat at the edge of the woods, a mere 50 yards from hundreds of passing rush hour drivers. And as I got into my car, a park police and a Jeep drove by. Someday, a poor unsuspected park ranger will find the pile of shit and soiled underwear."

To this day, when I'm feeling down or sad, I think about the fact that, no matter how bad things get, at least I didn't have to poo on the side of the Parkway. The end.

Tara Valentine.
Tara Valentine.
Tara Valentine.
Tara Valentine.
Tara Valentine.
Sarah Bosken.
Sarah Bosken.
Sarah Bosken.
Sarah Bosken.
Sarah Bosken.

Is THAT better now?

Anxiety attack

Well, I've been having one for about four hours now. It feels like someone is simultaneously sitting on my chest and punching me in the stomach. God, I need to get out of this place.

Wow, I suck.

My apologies for being so inattentive to this as of late. I'm not sure why I have been so bad at updating - it's not like there hasn't been anything going on - I guess it's laziness. I keep finding myself saying "I need to blog about this" but yet never make it home to the computer to put it all into words.

Do you know that there is an actual town named "North Pole" in Alaska? Random, I know.

I got my hair cut and deep conditioned on Saturday. It looks about one million times better. It's ironic because I only really got two inches cut, but it made a world of difference. And, I got bangs. But, don't worry - I haven't gone all 80's, they are long and the kind that swoop to the side. It's taking some getting used to. But overall, I enjoy them.

I also got about $330 of maintenance done on my car. Gah, it's so annoying at times. The car is a year old and I've still put so much money into maintaining it. It also now has 30K miles on it. I really have to cut back on my driving.

I tried the Sam Adams Pale Ale on Saturday and it's wonderful. I have always stuck to the original Boston Lager or Sam Light but really like the PA.

My Grey's Anatomy season 2 dvds came in the mail on Saturday. And contrary to what you're probably thinking, I managed to ration my obsession and only watch 11 episodes this weekend (spread over two days). Seeing that I watched the entire first season in one sitting, I felt this embodied a great deal of self control. However, my goal is to finish the season before Thursday so that I can be all caught up and ready for the new episode.

And, that's about it for now. I really will come up with something more entertaining really soon. Promise.

Pure, unbridled joy

The blue screen of death is no more! This is much cause for celebration (hence the mini bottle of wine that I am currently drinking) on its own merits. Now couple in the fact that I fixed the computer myself, and it's downright amazing. Boo yow.

Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed

That's part of the lyrics from my new favorite song, "Boston," by Augustana. They opened for Snow Patrol on Sunday, and I really like them. And I love the song. And it's my predictation that it will go the same way as "How to Save a Life" by the Fray (which I fell in love with back in early March after seeing them at the 9:30 also) and be all over the place shortly.

It also happens to adequately portray my current state of mind. I must have said, "I'm fine," about a million times this week at work. And you know what? I lied every time.

I'm not okay here. I hate it. I resent it. I am bored, and the knowledge that I am too smart to be doing what I am currently doing is eating me alive. I'm not trying to sound arrogant or self-important but it's true. I am. Two years has been long enough here. I've learned an incredible amount, made a million connections that will serve me well in my professional career and even made friends. I will miss the people here but not the politics. Or the subpar vacation or benefits. I've always said that I need to move on before I shut down and lose the ability to look back on my time at the WhizBang with any bit of fondness. I've determined that that time is now.

So, bring on the massive job search. Hopefully the right job comes sooner than later.

The Blue Screen of Death, among other things

So I have been a turd and haven't posted in a long time. I think my crapo work mentality has extended itself to this sphere, and I just haven't had the motivation. My apologies.

Anyways, this weekend was definitely an interesting one. My grand little (in sorostitute speak) got married on Saturday. It was a lovely ceremony, punctuated by the cuteness of CBlah's (nee CPo) nieces and nephew. Seriously, I haven't seen that many babies in one room in a long time.

On the way to the reception, Nicole, Matt and Allie had to stop to buy cards. Always the prepared one (stop laughing), I had already purchased my card and thus decided to make my way into the beer and wine store that was adjacent to Hallmark. After purchasing two of the four-packs of mini wine bottles, we headed on our way. With Matt driving, we arrived at the reception feeling just fine. I came to regret providing the two girls with the libations as it was apparently too much to handle.

This picture was taken moments before Allie fell in the middle of the dance floor:

And this pretty dress of Nicoles? Well, it's likely that no one will ever see it again.

All in all, it was a fabulous time. After the reception was over, we all headed to the afterparty at McGarvey's in Annapolis. I thought it would be a brillant idea to ride in the back of Danny's jeep, regardless of the fact that it didn't have any seats. While I had a ton of fun during the ride, I woke up the next day to MANY bruises on my ass. Fun times.

At the bar, we proceeded to drink. I told the same stupid story three times and told a very nice guy who proceeded to ask for Tara's number that he didn't know what type of company that he worked for. Aside from a quick unintentional detour into DC, we made it home safe and sound.

Warning: when you are intoxicated, make sure to never fall asleep with the TV tuned to the Discovery Health Channel. Why, you might ask? Well, because when you wake up in the middle of the night, parched and in desperate need of water and ibuprofen, witnessing the live birth of a child will be TERRIFYING! Sleep timer, sleep timer.

Sunday was the epitome of a lazy day. Slept late, eventually made my way out to get some lunch, return Nicole's cell phone and get Allie's bag. A few weeks back, Caroline and I had purchased tickets to the Snow Patrol concert at the 9:30 Club for Sunday night. When I woke up Sunday, I came to regret that decision. I couldn't fathom making my way into the city for an evening concert. So imagine my shock, appaul and disgust when we learned that the doors didn't open until 10 p.m.! On a Sunday! What! Well, imagine my continued surprise when we learned that Snow Patrol didn't take the stage until midnight. Gah! It was too insane to comprehend. Needless to say, we drove into the ghetto, saw the amazing concert, left a note on an amazing local blogger's car in totally stalkerific fashion, and I didn't make it to sleep until close to 4 a.m. Need less to say, I was exhausted yesterday, today and will likely still be tomorrow.

Last night? I came home to find the blue screen of death on my laptop. This? Cannot be good.

chicken bones in the bathroom

or, a brief recount of my Labor Day weekend.

So right now I am listening to Christmas music because apparently I am insane and on this cold and rainy day where I would like to be anywhere but sitting here at my desk, it makes me feel better thinking of warm fires and white snow and presents waiting to be unwrapped. And yes, I know that I am truly weird and strange. I am ok with it, are you?

On to the weekend. Friday night brought happy hour at Hard Times and many, many half-price margaritas and beer (they even had Magic Hat jinx on tap! it was delicious!). From happy hour, our happy group of ten headed to Bobalu's where we played a hours worth of raucous quarters, most of which I do not remember other than that I was awesome and at the conclusion, Dano gave me a breadstick and it made me happy. Hours later, I made it home safely. (in other news, how many times can I use the word hours in one paragraph? geez.)

Saturday morning began what became the 36 hour cleaning and unpacking spree of 2006. Despite the fact that I moved in more than six weeks ago, my room had not been completely unpacked yet, let alone decorated. And it was not a pretty site nor process. But, when all was said and done and I had produced about 1234314 bags of garbage and put about a dozen unnecessary holes in the living room wall, it looked lovely. I will take some pictures when I get home tonight to display the wonder of it all (that is a Foxwoods reference for anyone who is reading this in the Northeast and to the rest of you, pfft).

Sunday night was the impromptu housewarming extravaganza. The fact that at one point there were about 20 people in my backyard shotgunning beers should be an indication of the insanity that occurred. The hundreds of beers, the tournament style flip cup matches on the porch into the wee hours of the morning and the fact that the dreamcastle smelled eerily similar to a frat house the next morning should be additional indications of the craziness. Oh, and yesterday a chicken bone was discovered in the bathroom garbage can. This, of course, led to several other questions - where did one get the chicken? There wasn't any chicken to be found. Secondly, why was it consumed in the privacy of the bathroom? Was someone trying to hide their chicken consumption? Was there a closet, er bathroom, chicken eater in the bunch? I guess the world will never know.

What I do know is that I apparently destroyed my friends. Sarah came downstairs yesterday proclaiming her sorry state of hungoverness. Virtually everyone who was supposed to go to Alicia's bbq bowed out due to hangovers. I, on the other hand, emerged bright-eyed and feeling fine. Booyah.

In yet other news, I am bored. I am freezing cold (and I am never cold). I have moved on from Christmas tunes to music that I haven't listened to since the spring and it is making me oddly nostalgic and bringing back feelings that I thought I had successfully filed away. I don't like it.

And in conclusion, Nip Tuck starts tonight. Yippppppppeeeeeeeeee. However, it has been discovered that I have absolutely no idea what happened at the end of last season (other than who the bad people were) and thus I desperately need to find a cliff notes version of season three or I will be eternally confused. (the sad part of this is that I watched every episode, but yet, can't remember).

Oh and somehow I forgot this fun fact: I was REJECTED while trying to buy the booze for the housewarming party on Sunday. How old am I? 24.5 years old. Not old enough to be flattered, just old enough to be pissed off at the inconvenience. I really need to get a Maryland license.

Broken umbrellas

This rain! It is insane. It makes me rather silly for wearing stillettos and a skirt to work today. A skirt that, while I was running errands at lunchtime, tried repeatedly to blow up and give the passing cars a show. Stupid skirt.

In other news, this, this makes me laugh. Really loudly.

Ok, so I haven't been so happy with my employment situation as of late. In short, I have been BORED out of my mind. This means that I have spent far too much time reading blogs, writing blogs and updating my Myspace/Facebook profile. It's not that I have been avoiding work, there just hasn't been any to do. So when Woman Boss called me into an office earlier to hand me the above certificate and the check for $50 that accompanied it, I had to resist the urge to laugh in her face. Apparently, my dedicated blog reading and writing has made me the team's "Most Valuable Player." Are you serious? Yesterday, I even managed to listen to a few hours of my book on tape. Today I cleaned out my keyboard with can of pressurized air. Tuesday? I am planning to check my voicemail and put my pens away.

I guess it's a good thing that both Woman and Man Boss don't find me as useless as I find myself to be.

In approximately one hour and 17 minutes, I will be leaving the office for one of the extremely few long weekends that employment at the WhizBang provides. And where am I going? Happy Hour!