About once a day, the thought that I really should sit down and write an entry comes to mind. I start to contemplate what I would say but by the time I actually have the screen before me, the motivation has passed. It's not that I don't have enough to say - it's quite the opposite really. There are so many things going through my mind that I don't even know where to start. It's just been so long.
Just over a year ago, I started this blog as a means of release. A place to store my thoughts, to bitch, moan, write about my life as if anyone was really out there reading. It was cathartic. Writing has always been a good means of therapy for me - it helps me to free myself from the weight of my thoughts - I get to sort out how I truly feel about something and the reason behind my feelings.
I totally know the reason why my blogging slowed and eventually faded out - I gained a real life person to share all of these crazy thoughts and ramblings with. And while I feel so fortunate, I do feel a bit sad that I stopped taking the effort to put it all down in words. Yesterday during a particularly boring stretch of the day, I read the archives back to May. It was a really enlightening and eye-opening experience for me. It's only been six months but I really feel like I have changed a lot. Perhaps not me as much as my philosphy and priorities. I'm not sure I really like the me that I portrayed during that time. Too much drinking. Too much bitterness. While I knew that I wasn't happy at that point, I don't think I truly grasped how utterly miserable I was until yesterday.
Yesterday I got really wrapped up in how unhappy I am professionally. I was sad, frustrated, angry and quite happy to wallow in these feelings. Today is a better day. While I still don't have a new job, I am able to make the most of the one I do have until something better comes along. There are things I can do to make it better - even just for a little while - to save my sanity. And today I started doing them. That's really all I can do.
Back in the summer my means of dealing with stress and unhappiness were far from healthy. I've managed to stop turning to drinking, cigarettes and food in an attempt to make myself feel better. My drinks are few and relatively far between now. I haven't had a cigarette in two weeks. And I've lost about 40 pounds thus far in my diet.
On Saturday I took the GMATs. I scored well enough that getting into the Hopkins program shouldn't be a problem. I have two great letters of recommendation to top it off, and my application is completed. I just have to drop it in the mail. And I have about six months to come to terms with going back to school...
In a mere four minutes I will be heading off to pick up Ben. He's making crab cakes, cod and salad for dinner. While the fish is marinating, we're going to the gym. After we eat, we'll probably curl up and watch Top Chef. Tomorrow morning he will make me breakfast as he always does. Life really isn't so bad after all.
I'm so happy that you stopped writing because you're happy, not overstressed. Although I do miss reading your thoughts, I'm glad that you have a person that can sympathize with your daily ups and downs.
Posted by: mariya | January 25, 2007 at 01:38 PM