t w e n t y e v e r y t h i n g

Drop-off

About once a day, the thought that I really should sit down and write an entry comes to mind. I start to contemplate what I would say but by the time I actually have the screen before me, the motivation has passed. It's not that I don't have enough to say - it's quite the opposite really. There are so many things going through my mind that I don't even know where to start. It's just been so long.

Just over a year ago, I started this blog as a means of release. A place to store my thoughts, to bitch, moan, write about my life as if anyone was really out there reading. It was cathartic. Writing has always been a good means of therapy for me - it helps me to free myself from the weight of my thoughts - I get to sort out how I truly feel about something and the reason behind my feelings.

I totally know the reason why my blogging slowed and eventually faded out - I gained a real life person to share all of these crazy thoughts and ramblings with. And while I feel so fortunate, I do feel a bit sad that I stopped taking the effort to put it all down in words. Yesterday during a particularly boring stretch of the day, I read the archives back to May. It was a really enlightening and eye-opening experience for me. It's only been six months but I really feel like I have changed a lot. Perhaps not me as much as my philosphy and priorities. I'm not sure I really like the me that I portrayed during that time. Too much drinking. Too much bitterness. While I knew that I wasn't happy at that point, I don't think I truly grasped how utterly miserable I was until yesterday.

Yesterday I got really wrapped up in how unhappy I am professionally. I was sad, frustrated, angry and quite happy to wallow in these feelings. Today is a better day. While I still don't have a new job, I am able to make the most of the one I do have until something better comes along. There are things I can do to make it better - even just for a little while - to save my sanity. And today I started doing them. That's really all I can do.

Back in the summer my means of dealing with stress and unhappiness were far from healthy.  I've managed to stop turning to drinking, cigarettes and food in an attempt to make myself feel better. My drinks are few and relatively far between now. I haven't had a cigarette in two weeks. And I've lost about 40 pounds thus far in my diet.

On Saturday I took the GMATs. I scored well enough that getting into the Hopkins program shouldn't be a problem. I have two great letters of recommendation to top it off, and my application is completed. I just have to drop it in the mail.  And I have about six months to come to terms with going back to school...

In a mere four minutes I will be heading off to pick up Ben. He's making crab cakes, cod and salad for dinner. While the fish is marinating, we're going to the gym. After we eat, we'll probably curl up and watch Top Chef. Tomorrow morning he will make me breakfast as he always does. Life really isn't so bad after all.

Sadness

Yesterday started off as most Mondays - on a high from a great weekend, though tired and a bit remiss about having to head back to work. Unlike most Mondays, at about 10:30 a.m. we were all called together and told that our editor hadn't been heard from since Friday night. His newspapers lay uncollected on his doorstep and his voicemail box was full. He wasn't at any of the area hospitals and a few of our co-workers were on their way to his apartment with the police.  In the back of our minds, we all hoped that he had decided to jump on a plane and run off to some fantastically exotic locale for an impromptu vacation (it wouldn't have been unheard of for him to do that sort of thing). For some reason, I had a sinking feeling that they would find him in his apartment and it would just be too late. And it turned out that it was.

Man Boss brought us together again - full of emotion - fear, surprise, shock, uncertainty and broke the news. The only sound was a collective gasp and spontaneous tears. It really was one of the more horrible moments of my life. He was only 38.

Our chairman jumped on a plane and headed up from Charlotte, Dominos was ordered in for lunch, tissues were handed out. We grieved. We stared at our computer screens - unsure of what to do. What are you supposed to do when one of the leaders of your organization dies quite suddenly and with no explanation? What do you do when there is a paper that has to go to press on Thursday but the tasks necessary to produce it seem so trivial considering that one of your colleagues has just died?

There is no right answer. There is no proper course of action. The irony is that one of our reporters wrote a column awhile back about employee death and how to cope with it as an organization. Little did we know that we would have to put her writing to the test.

It's 24 hours later. We're all back at work for another day. Our clients, sources, fellow businesspeople and colleagues from other markets are slowly hearing the news. We must field their calls, explain what we know, share in their shock and sadness - over and over and over again. It's going to be a rough time here for quite awhile.