mI've been sitting here for the past two hours or so debating about whether to just do a dots entry or to delve into something more serious. And because this blog started out a little over a year ago as a means of fleshing out my thoughts and putting my neuroses out on the internet for all the world to see, I have decided to go with the latter.
Caroline mentioned last week about being afraid of putting some things, deeply personal things, into her blog for fear that people will judge her. It's silly really because the reason we have blogs in the first place is to express ourselves. But then we become afraid of truly expressing ourselves - surpassing the mundane, the trivialities of our daily lives - and putting the real stuff out there. The insecurities, the fears, the things about ourselves that we try not to let others see. The stuff we're not proud of. Well, I've decided to just say screw it today, and I'm going to just put myself out there. You can judge me if you wish - I'm sure anything you think will be a thought I've already had. My deepest darkest insecurities and weaknesses? Here they are.
My life right now is ... interesting. In many, many ways, it's significantly better than it has been in a very long time. For the first time, I have started to put a premium on my own happiness and most importantly, health (mental, emotion and physical). This is something that my mom has preached to me for so long, but the more she said it, the more it made me shut down and dismiss it. Back in late September, I reached an all-time high of self-loathing and unhappiness. I barely recognized myself anymore, both physically and professionally. I had no idea how I had gotten to this point. I wasn't even sure how to get out of it. It was all so daunting. When so many things are so out of control - where do you even begin?
Without going into great detail, a great deal of my issues stem from my childhood. I try not to use it as a scapegoat because hello, we all have issues from our childhood. And people overcome them all the time. I've always been very honest with myself as to what my weaknesses and faults are - I refuse to be that naive. One of my major issues is that I use coping mechanisms to get me through rough times. For the past few years, that has meant mostly food, alcohol and cigarettes. So freaking unhealthy, trust me, I realize this. And I knew this every time I reached for any one of those three things. I guess I just didn't care.
All of the literature you'll ever find about someone who has an addiction or a problem or a bad habit will say that they first have to make the decision to change. And this is so true. I knew for years that was I was doing was bad for me - and granted, it wasn't as if I was doing heroin or abusing anyone, or breaking the law. I just had a series of bad habits that were doing nothing but hurting me. But I never made the decision to change. So I didn't. Life went on as usual. I can't give you a reason why I didn't want to change. I just didn't. I truly believe that this is why people who've never been in the situation cannot understand why a drunk continues to drink or an addict gets high, even if it is destroying their life. Everyone has to reach their own turning point.
So mine came at the end of September, and I decided to start with tackling the easiest part for me: a diet. There are millions of Americans
who struggle with their weight their whole lives and who would probably
be angry at me for calling this the easiest part. But for me, it's
true. The diet is the easiest part.
I can be an extremely stubborn person. I would prefer to call it determination or resolve but at it's very core, it's stubbornness. I will accept that. It has served me well in many aspects of my life. It's led to a great deal of success. It's also hindered me by not allowing me to take a break and truly look out for my own self interest. It's pretty much the reason why I found myself where I did in September. But it's also been what has allowed me to make such significant changes in my life over the past few months.
When I set my mind to something, I do it. End of story. When I'm dieting, I'm not prone to cheat. I follow the regime that I am supposed to, and it works for me. And it has worked. In taking back one part of my life with the diet, control over the other things seemed to come along with it. A little over a month ago, I was able to just stop smoking. As simple as that. I just ... stopped. Haven't had a cigarette since and don't wish to either. In addition, at the most, I now have about two drinks a week, if that. I know, you probably can't believe it. I really can't either. The girl who used to chug entire pitchers of beer now settles for a mere pint at the bar?
So this brings us to now. In giving up all of these coping mechanisms, I've really had to listen to my emotions and address the feelings that once caused me to light up or crack the top on a bud light. I always knew what they were or that they were there - I just often would sweep them under the rug or choose to look the other way. Looking your pain in the face isn't easy - acknowledging something that embarasses or shames you is awfully difficult. But while it isn't fun or easy, it sure does feel a lot better than pretending it never existed in the first place.
So many people treat only the symptoms of their problems and never bother to look deeply enough into what causes them in the first place. It's the reason why some people gain back the weight after having gastric bypass surgery. The surgery may have caused the weight to fall off but it didn't do anything about the feelings or emotions that caused them to reach for that burger or snack every time they felt badly. Aside from the diet, I haven't tried to restrict myself. I never outlawed myself from drinking (aside from the first two weeks of South Beach). However, as I started to address my feelings, the compulsion to pick up the glass just sort of faded away. It's really what proves to me that you just can't force something if you're not ready for it. If I tried to stop myself from drinking, if I tried to change all of this before I was accepting of it, I would have failed.
As I mentioned a few weeks ago, in looking back and reading old entries in this blog, my unhappiness was so apparent it slapped me in the face. It shocked me that I was so obviously miserable but kept on trying to laugh it off with a smarmy comment or deflect my feelings with sarcasm. It's almost embarassing how feeble my attempts were.
But now, as I have mentioned life is better. I am better. I am happy. My life isn't perfect but it's moving in the direction where I want it to. I have job interviews lined up, and it sure does look like the right job is going to come along. And what makes me most proud about that is that I have managed not to settle. I am not letting my fear and uncertainty about the future force me into a situation that is not in my best interest just in order to gain a bit of security. I am doing what is right for me - long term. It actually is quite empowering.
Last night I managed to come to another turning point. It was a painful one but so, so important. Poor Ben was brought into this one and got to see some of my other insecurities firsthand. I am for the first time in a healthy and positive relationship, and I need to just put my brain on pause and stop thinking so much. One of my remaining unhealthy habits is look too much to the future and anticipate what it will bring. Not knowing such things worries me. I worry about getting hurt because it always seems to happen. About things not working out the way I wish them to. About the uncertainty. Basically, I worry too much.
And so, here is to continuing the good things I've started in the past few months. To living in the moment and embracing the unknown. To trusting. To pushing myself out of my comfort zone. To appreciating the wonderful man with whom I am fortunate enough to spend my time. To actually believing all of the nice things he says to me and to believing that I am deserving of the good things for which I wish.
